20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry

• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness"
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. If anybody cares how you dance, feel sorry for them. They need to get a life and learn how to have fun. And notice that people who dance and cut loose once in a while, usually live longer.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
•  There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
• The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
•  Don't think that because a person is having fun, they are drinking to excess. Some people have fun naturally given the moment and you need to find out how they do it.
• Your friends love you anyway.