From the timesunion:
How to communicate in the face of conflict
By Maud Purcell
Published 4:16 p.m., Friday, October 12, 2012
While watching a recent presidential debate, I was reminded of how difficult it is to communicate in the face of conflict. No matter your political affiliation, you can't deny that the candidates are both intelligent men who face the same challenge in these debates — that of using words to influence the country while placed in a situation specifically designed to put him at odds with his opponent.
Most of us regularly face conflict in smaller and more private ways. We disagree with colleagues over a project. We negotiate power struggles with our partners or spouses. We fight over responsibility in our families. Our words become our primary tools in these confrontations, and how we use them can profoundly affect the outcome. Here are some tips to make the most of your approach:
Think outside the problem: Often, at the height of conflict we get so caught up in our skirmish that we lose sight of the big picture and emotions prevail over reason. Taking a break or talking about something peripheral or unrelated allows us to return to the disagreement at hand with a fresh perspective.
Don't just listen, hear: Rushing to defend yourself when the other person is trying to speak lessens your position of power. Only once he's been heard will the person you're addressing pause long enough to take your perspective into consideration. If you listen first (and actually hear what's being said) you'll begin to lower the temperature in the room and get a step closer to conflict resolution.
Make your opponent "right": As counterintuitive as it may be, you will take your opponent off the defensive by in some way making her feel right. Before offering your opposing view, indicate that you completely understand her position (even though you don't agree with it) or respect her intent or acumen. Doing this likely will take your sparring partner off the defensive and actually allow her to hear what you have to say.
Set aside time to discuss the issue: Emptying the dishwasher, answering email or otherwise multi-tasking while trying to resolve the conflict gives you, your opponent and the problem short shrift. Instead, make time to give the conflict your full attention. You'll find you hear things differently when you actually pause to consider your shared conundrum.
Learn to reason, not force, your perspective: Don't attempt to persuade by shouting your opponent down. And rather than rehashing the reasons why you believe you're right, take time to find the validity in the other guy's argument; maybe then you'll have a shot at finding a middle ground.
Realize the power of apology: Apologizing doesn't have to be a complete admission of wrong doing. When bitter words have been exchanged, you can take a deep breath and apologize for your role in the dispute. Doing so may serve as a gateway to a friendlier, more productive debate.
Don't wait for the other person to change: Don't dig your heels in and stubbornly wait for the other person to change course first. Instead, look for ways, even if small, that you can give up some turf. Once you do so you may be surprised at how quickly your opponent follows suit and true negotiations begin.
Take heart: Even under the best of circumstances, conflict with co-workers, friends and family is normal and inevitable. No two people view situations the same way all of the time. Just recognizing this fact can make interpersonal challenges less threatening, paving the way for quicker problem resolution.
Maud Purcell is a psychotherapist, corporate consultant and director of the Life Solution Center
of Darien, Conn. Write her at mpurcell@thelifesolutioncenter.net.
How to communicate in the face of conflict
By Maud Purcell
Published 4:16 p.m., Friday, October 12, 2012
While watching a recent presidential debate, I was reminded of how difficult it is to communicate in the face of conflict. No matter your political affiliation, you can't deny that the candidates are both intelligent men who face the same challenge in these debates — that of using words to influence the country while placed in a situation specifically designed to put him at odds with his opponent.
Most of us regularly face conflict in smaller and more private ways. We disagree with colleagues over a project. We negotiate power struggles with our partners or spouses. We fight over responsibility in our families. Our words become our primary tools in these confrontations, and how we use them can profoundly affect the outcome. Here are some tips to make the most of your approach:
Think outside the problem: Often, at the height of conflict we get so caught up in our skirmish that we lose sight of the big picture and emotions prevail over reason. Taking a break or talking about something peripheral or unrelated allows us to return to the disagreement at hand with a fresh perspective.
Don't just listen, hear: Rushing to defend yourself when the other person is trying to speak lessens your position of power. Only once he's been heard will the person you're addressing pause long enough to take your perspective into consideration. If you listen first (and actually hear what's being said) you'll begin to lower the temperature in the room and get a step closer to conflict resolution.
Make your opponent "right": As counterintuitive as it may be, you will take your opponent off the defensive by in some way making her feel right. Before offering your opposing view, indicate that you completely understand her position (even though you don't agree with it) or respect her intent or acumen. Doing this likely will take your sparring partner off the defensive and actually allow her to hear what you have to say.
Set aside time to discuss the issue: Emptying the dishwasher, answering email or otherwise multi-tasking while trying to resolve the conflict gives you, your opponent and the problem short shrift. Instead, make time to give the conflict your full attention. You'll find you hear things differently when you actually pause to consider your shared conundrum.
Learn to reason, not force, your perspective: Don't attempt to persuade by shouting your opponent down. And rather than rehashing the reasons why you believe you're right, take time to find the validity in the other guy's argument; maybe then you'll have a shot at finding a middle ground.
Realize the power of apology: Apologizing doesn't have to be a complete admission of wrong doing. When bitter words have been exchanged, you can take a deep breath and apologize for your role in the dispute. Doing so may serve as a gateway to a friendlier, more productive debate.
Don't wait for the other person to change: Don't dig your heels in and stubbornly wait for the other person to change course first. Instead, look for ways, even if small, that you can give up some turf. Once you do so you may be surprised at how quickly your opponent follows suit and true negotiations begin.
Take heart: Even under the best of circumstances, conflict with co-workers, friends and family is normal and inevitable. No two people view situations the same way all of the time. Just recognizing this fact can make interpersonal challenges less threatening, paving the way for quicker problem resolution.
Maud Purcell is a psychotherapist, corporate consultant and director of the Life Solution Center
of Darien, Conn. Write her at mpurcell@thelifesolutioncenter.net.
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