If Bankers Were....

Sign of The Times

A Time That Is Gone

When DDT was life.

It's All About Priorities!

Words To Live By - From Wild Bill

PARAPROSDOKIAN  Definition: "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part."  Paraprosdokians are frequently used in a humorous situation.  "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.  Ok, so now enjoy! 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.  3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.  4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.  6. War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.  8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.  10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.  11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.  12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'  13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.  14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.  15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.  16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.  17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.  18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.  19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.  20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.  21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.   22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.   23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.  24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.   25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.   26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.  28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.  29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.  30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.  Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

No Parade For Drones

Only in Florida

South Carolina used to say, thank God for Mississippi - Now they say, thank God for Florida. Read the story below from  the Star News:

Celia Rivenbark - Driving and shaving not a very good combination

By Celia Rivenbark
McClatchy-Tribune News Service

Published: Saturday, March 27, 2010 at 3:30 a.m.
Last Modified: Friday, March 26, 2010 at 7:26 p.m.

By now I’m sure that most of you have heard about the Florida woman who caused a two-vehicle wreck because she was shaving her bikini area while driving.

Guess that makes the time you drove with your elbows while eating a Whopper seem downright virtuous, doesn’t it?

Florida Highway Patrol troopers said the car Megan Barnes was driving crashed into the back of a pickup truck at about 45 mph. Her reaction time was slowed down because she was too busy grooming her hoohah to pay attention to the road. Oh, like that’s never happened to you?

Ms. Barnes told the investigating officer that she was on her way to a date and “wanted to be ready for the visit.”

Yes, she wanted to look her best. All over. Except, well, we’ve seen Ms. Barnes’ mug shot and she appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart. To be blunt, I don’t think a perfectly groomed love rug could possibly make that much difference.

It could’ve been worse, I suppose. Ms. Barnes could’ve been waxing her bikini area as she drove along in her T-bird (Yes, fun, fun, fun til the po-lice took her T-bird awaaaaaayy) on those scenic bridges. Imagine the horror if she’d tossed the used wax strips out the window. The manatees might have tried to adopt them.

Hons, I’ve driven on this particular stretch of highway between Miami and Key West and it’s flat-out beautiful with crystal blue water, gorgeous mangroves and cloudless skies.

Not once have I been so bored that I decided I’d rather drag a sharp blade over my nether regions just to have something to do.

There are so many “You might be a redneck if” elements to the story of Megan Barnes, but my favorite is that, while performing this extremely personal grooming ritual, she asked her EX HUSBAND to steer the car so she could concentrate (“Help me out, Buford, I’m gonna make it look like a LIGHTNING BOLT!”)

What a guy! Not only did he hold the steering wheel so she could concentrate on primping for her big date with ANOTHER MAN, but when the cops arrived, he tried to switch places and claim he’d been driving.

Trouble was, he had burns on his chest from the airbag that had deployed on THE PASSENGER SIDE ONLY. Oops.

To no one’s particular surprise, the Highway Patrol quickly discovered that Ms. Barnes didn’t have a valid driver’s license. Oh, and, the day before, she’d been convicted of DUI and driving with a suspended license. Oh, and her car had been seized and had no insurance or registration. Oh, and she was on probation. Oh, and SHE’S A FLIPPIN’ LUNATIC!

Albeit an impeccably groomed one.

Celia Rivenbark’s newest book, “You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Morning,” is available at bookstores nationwide. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com for details.

A Little Tax Information

Current News

Something Has Happened

THIS  IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN  COUNTRY!  
We Must  Stop This  Immediately!!!  
Have  you noticed that stairs are getting  steeper  ?   Groceries are heavier  .   And, everything is farther     away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and  I was dumbfounded to discover how  long      our street  had become! And, you  know, people are less considerate now,  especially the young ones.  They speak in  whispers    all the time!  If you ask them to speak up  they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly  mouthing the same silent  message until  they're red in the face!  What do they  think I am, a lip reader?I also  think they are much younger than I was at the  same age.  On the other hand, people my own  age are so much older than I  am.  I ran into an old friend the other day  and she has aged so much that she  didn't  even recognize me.I got to  thinking about the poor dear while I was combing  my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced  at my own reflection?well,  REALLY NOW  -  even  mirrors are not  made the way they used to be!  Another  thing, everyone drives so fast  these  days!  You're risking life and limb if you  happen to pull onto the freeway in front of  them.  All I can say is, their brakes must  wear out awfully fast, the way I see them  screech and  swerve in my  rear view mirror.Clothing  manufacturers are less  civilized these  days.  Why else would they suddenly start  labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or  20?  Do they think no one notices? The  people who make  bathroom  scales are  pulling the same prank.  Do they think I  actually 'believe' the number I see on that  dial?  HA!  I would never let myself  weigh that much!  Just who do these people  think they're fooling? I'd like  to call up someone in authority to report what's  going on -- but the telephone  company is in on  the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone  books in such small     type that no one could ever find a number in  there!

All I can do is pass along this  warning:WE  ARE UNDER ATTACK! 
Unless  something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone  will have to suffer these awful indignities.  PLEASE  PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS  POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!  PS: I am  sending this to you in a larger font size,  because something has happened to my computer's  fonts - they are smaller than they once  were   
     

Carbon Footprint

Tax Rates

Business in Decline

According to a report by IbisWorld, these are the top 10 US industries in the "decline" phase of their life cycle.

1. Manufactured Home Dealers
2. Record Stores
3. Photofinishing
4. Wired Telecommunications Carriers
5. Apparel Manufacturing
6. Newspaper Publishing
7. DVD Game and Video Rental
8. Mills
9. Formal Wear and Costume Rental
10. Apparel Manufacturing

Basic business theory says that all companies go through three-stage cycle of growth, maturity, and then decline.

Conan's Graduation Speech

Harvard Grad Conan Obrien talks at Dartmouth.

Domtar's New Web Site

From the Forest Talk Web site:

Domtar’s new Paper Trail

June 14th, 2011 | Posted in Environmental News | No comments »

Domtar has created an online tool called the “Paper Trail” that allows customers to see the environmental impacts of Domtar’s specific paper grades.

The reports that are produced for the Paper Trail measure Domtar products across five categories:

• water usage
• the distance fiber travels to a paper mill
• greenhouse gas emissions
• waste sent to landfills
• renewable energy usage

The data is displayed in real-world equivalents, with comparisons to issues such as the amount of water the average household uses or the amount of waste it generates. The Paper Trail will also illustrate how Domtar compares to the rest of the industry in these particular categories.

“We know consumers are increasingly aware of their effect on the environment and want to know where their paper comes from. We think we have a good story to tell, and part of that story is being transparent,” said Lewis Fix, Domtar Vice President of Sustainable Business and Brand Management.

“Other paper calculators often give only part of the story,” Fix said. “They usually compare recycled and non-recycled grades and the differences in resources used, and they estimate savings based only on industry averages. The Paper Trail will show Domtar mill-specific data, and since no company is environmentally perfect, it indicates what we are doing well and what needs to be improved. We think it’s crucial to share all the information, and then let the customers make their own decisions.”

The Paper Trail is Domtar’s most recent project indicating its leadership as a sustainable paper company and highlighting its environmentally preferable paper products, which have earned the support of well-known environmental organizations such the Rainforest Alliance.

Initially, the Paper Trail will measure the impact of two Domtar products: EarthChoice® Office Paper and Cougar®, both of which have been certified to the standards of the Forest Stewardship Council™ (FSC®), which is recognized by the Rainforest Alliance as the world’s most comprehensive certification for responsible forest management. As part of the EarthChoice product line, they help form the broadest and most flexible collection of environmentally responsible papers available in the marketplace. More products and mills will likely be added to this new and exciting online tool in the future.

The Paper Trail will also provide users with a look at Domtar’s mills – all of which are in North America – with additional information about each facility’s environmental impact and the social and economic benefits the mills have in their communities. In areas where the environmental impact can be improved, Domtar will voluntarily disclose the information, as well as provide efforts for improvement.

“Transparency means sharing everything, not just the highlights, and just as we are committed to developing responsible products, we are committed to transparency,” Fix said. “Realizing our paper comes from sustainable sources and is easily recycled, Domtar customers can see the differences and use our products with greater confidence.”

Try it out: http://DomtarPaperTrail.com

Now You Know

Interesting

From the Future of Education blog:
FUNNY DEFINITIONS
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage
Handkerchief: Cold storage
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Raisin: Grape with a sunburn
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time

Definitions of Some Common Words

Atom Bomb: An invention made to end all inventions.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Classic: A book which people praises, but do not read.
College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually looks forward to the trip.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Beware of Girls

One day, a girl, 16yrs old, heard from her mother that if she does a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Angel" would come to her in her dreams & give her 3 boons. So she decided to do it. She completed 4 years successfully, doing prayer regularly.

Now it was a day for "Angel" to come. So she slept earlier with thoughts in her mind to ask. And, really an "Angel" comes in her dreams. Now this is the dialogue between them.

Angel: O Girl, you prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I am very very happy with you. I will complete any of  your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Girl: Condition!, what is that?
Angel: You have a boy-friend?

Girl: Yes.
Angel: When you were doing a prayer, he was waiting for you, so he also sacrificed same as you. Moreover, he didn’t know anything about boon and all, so he is also eligible for the boons. So whatever you will ask, he will get 10 times more than that of you. If you are agreed, then proceed for the 1st boon.
Girl: (After thinking for some time …): Yes, I am ready.
Girl: 1st, make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than you.

Girl: It’s OK.
Angel: Be as you wish!
Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.
Girl: It’s OK.
Angel: Be as you wish.

Angel: Now the last boon remains.
Girl: O Angel, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Angel: What? Are you sure!

Girl: Yes. Very sure! Angel: Be as you wish.

Think friends, what happened to her boy-friend, he got a severe heart-attack & died at once, while the girl remained alive. Thus, the girl became the world’s most beautiful girl and the richest one, too.
Moral of the story: So intelligent the girls are! Girls are really more intelligent than we believe about them to be. So be careful boys!

Now, girls please stop reading … boys scroll down…
******

*********

***********

******

***

**

*
Dear boys, don't worry, actually what happened is something different than what you all think! Actually, the girl’s boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than the girl, being world’s richest and the most handsome boy.
Moral of the story: Dear boys, the girls are not really that much intelligent than what we believe them to be. So don't worry if you think that you have girl-friend, intelligent than you.
Hey….I told u girls not to read…

********
Just for fun with truth…

One day at the end of class Little Jenny's teacher asked the students to go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Sophie raised her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Sophie replied, "Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket." Rafaella went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Rafaella replied, "Don’t count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was Little Jenny. "My uncle Tom fought in the Afghan war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Taliban. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Jenny replied, "Don’t screw with uncle Tom when he’s been drinking."


Here is a list of the ways most of the teachers worldwide grade their students in the final exams.
Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?
Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

New Name For AbitibiBowater?

From The Dead Tree Edition blog:

Suggestions for AbitibiBowater's New Name

Why didn't they ask us?

After costing creditors $6 billion and its stockholders another $2 billion, newsprint giant AbitibiBowater wants to shed its past by changing its name to one selected by employees.

The company expects to announce its new moniker in the fall after culling through more than 1,400 recent suggestions from employees, according toForestTalk. Too bad it didn't ask its customers, former employees, investors, or creditors. We could have offered some colorful suggestions that don't entirely leave the past behind.

Dead Tree Edition's nickname for the company, "AbitibiUnderwater"doesn't work now that it has emerged from bankruptcy protection nearly debt-free and perhaps even profitable. In honor of that magical transformation AbiBow could be renamed Abracadabrawater.

Creditors and ex-employees left holding the bag when the company went Chapter 11 might prefer the name AbitweelNeverpayoo.

James Bond fans who see some kind of evil specter in Abitibi's dominance of the newsprint market might prefer AbitibiBlofeld.

Wall Street would go for AbitibiBiorefinery because "biorefinery" sounds like a much sexier investment than "pulp and paper mill".

CEO Richard Garneau (nicknamed "Rain Man" by employees of a previous company because of his uncanny knack for remembering numbers) revealed Thursday that the company's wood costs are 91% higher in Quebec than in the U.S, according to ForestTalk. So how aboutAhbuttobeOutofQuebec?

Those who are pessimistic about the company's outlook might selectAbitibiTreadingwater. Or, with a Too Big To Fail twist,AbranchoftheCanadiangovernment.

And if you expect a return to bankruptcy court, there's always Chapter 22.

Old Folks and Technology

How Free is Your State?

Click here for the report.

Corporate Math

Health-care Spending

Don't We Love Technology

The Candy Challange

Think You're Fast?

One Shot Action

Young Motivational Speaker

Hazards of Being a Reporter

New Sport - Walking On Water